By: Taylor DeVille, Associate Arts & Life Editor
Throw out your Cosmo horoscope and face the facts.
Aries (March 21-April 19): I know you think your drunken temper tantrums are cute — and maybe even justified — but you’re really just exhausting. Sure, your energy can be invigorating, but you’ve gotta stop challenging every frat guy in the general vicinity to buttchug cough syrup just to “weed out the weaklings.” You’ll be alone this year because you’re too scary and need to develop a healthy fear of God and death.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You smoke all the weed then raid your date’s pantry, leaving naught but a lone corn chip in your wake. Your obsession with the material means you look cute always, but even that’s not enough for anyone to put up with your stubborn ass.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You know memes. You have the best memes. But you’re a predator masquerading as a house pet—on the surface, you’re hilarious, chatty and charming, but you have a tendency to play drawn out manipulative games with your partners. That’s not the reason you’ll be alone, though—it’s your apparently uncontrollable need to play “devil’s advocate” even when discussing basic human rights. Impressively though, you somehow win debates knowing only half the facts.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): I’ll try to go easy on you — since we both know if there’s anyone who’d get in their feelings from reading horoscopes, it’s you. You make too many puns, and none of them are good, but it’s oddly charming. No one likes to drink with you because it only takes two shots for you to start crying over videos of baby ocelots. You’ll be alone this year because you get too attached to toxic or narcissistic people and get your heart broken by repeating the same destructive patterns of behavior.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your resolve to “ignore the haters” leaves you blind to just how terrible you really are. Your vivacious magnetism attracts those who want to bask in your glow, but when it becomes clear that you exert your will with a force that rivals the power of Zeus the Thunder God, potential partners run screaming for the hills.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Let’s be real—you’ll be alone this year because you’re too good for us plebs (and you know it, of course). You constantly put everyone’s needs before your own, but you keep a mental tally of every time your “selfless” deed goes unrecognized or under appreciated. Your friends love you because you’re the quintessential mom friend, but you’re no fun at parties because you’re too misanthropic, and you choose to hang out on the floor with the dog the entire time. If you’re not drafting a list of all of your partner’s flaws and how they can fix them, you’re feeding your savior complex by putting way too much time and energy into trying to fix someone who’s broken.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Congratulations, Libra. You’re the only one who won’t be alone this year, because you’re incapable of being alone, ever. In fact, you hate being alone so much that you’ll gladly accept toxic relationships just so you have people to distract you from introspection. You’re so charming and kind, though, that you never have a lack of people swooning over you—but when they realize that you’re some kind of strange chameleon who changes shape based on who you’re around to ensure that you’ll be well-liked, they might move on to someone less confusing and elusive.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Oh Scorpio, you’re probably expecting to read that you’re just too dark and intense for anyone to deal with you, right? Well it’s just that exact persona that repels people who want to get to know the “real” you—a stubborn, possessive, overly emotional and completely unreasonable sexual masochist. You always think you see right through to the core of people, but really you’re just probably projecting. You’ll be alone this year because Timmy or Suzy said no to your Ring Pop proposal in third grade, and now you feel too damaged to love again.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The epitome of fake deep. You think you’re “woke” but the extent of your activism is sharing Occupy Democrats articles on Facebook. You’re the best person to party with, but not many can keep up with you. You’ll be lonely this year (and probably for the rest of your life) because your idealistic, freedom-obsessed ass sees relationships as too restrictive. You think the “right person” won’t make you feel trapped, but you’ll find a way to feel smothered no matter who you’re with.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You’ll be alone this year by choice, Capricorn—it’s hard these days for you to find someone who isn’t intimidated by your snarkiness and ruthless ambition. If you do manage to find someone who lives up to your impossible standards, try to resist your natural urge to condescend to and control them. Cap women, you’re tough as nails and should hold out for an equally strong-headed (but maybe nicer) partner. Cap men, your ego and beliefs about your own sexual prowess have no basis in reality; try giving more head.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Aquarius, I could drag you so hard it would shatter that empty icebox you call a heart, but your god complex ultimately protects you from any truths too hard for you to face. Even if you somehow manage to find someone tolerant enough to deal with your low E.Q. and listen to you drone on about the Mandela Effect, you’ll be alone forever because you feel like no one understands you; but you secretly prefer it that way so you never have to feel vulnerable. Also no one knows what you’re talking about like 90 percent of the time.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): At your best, you’re a gentle, peace-loving idealist, but you have a tendency to subtly manipulate everyone around you into putting you at the center of their world. You have something negative to say about everyone but don’t take criticism well. You’ll be alone this year because you make your dates read your bland, derivative poetry (which is really just different lines from Shinji Moon taken out of context), and you talk too much about alternative medicine.