By: Ali Hinman, Columnist
Amy Schumer is my idol. I am obsessed with everything Amy. Not just because I saw Trainwreck once and caught a glimpse of her standup, but because I knew her BEFORE she blew up. From her original Comedy Central Half Hour to now, she has yet to do something that doesn’t make me pee my yoga pants.
I didn’t get the chance to see her when she came in 2014 and I was heartbroken. But this year, I have tickets. My friend and I waited until the second that tickets went on sale and we snatched some of the best seats in the house (that were within our college budget), and a solitary tear of joy trickled down my face. But seeing her won’t be enough. I must meet her. This is my projected timeline of the night:
4:37- Start getting ready.
5:19- Finished getting ready.
5:20- Realize the show doesn’t start for another hour.
5:21- Watch YouTube videos of Amy.
5:48- Google Amy.
5:57- Google self.
5:58- Find nothing and move on.
6:00- Freak out that I won’t get to the show on time.
6:17- Show up to SECU incredibly early.
6:23- Go to bathroom for nervous pee.
6:47- Jump in seat at the realization that the show is starting soon.
6:52- Go to bathroom for nervous pee.
7:05- Show starts.
7:06- Amy walks out
7:06:05- Start sobbing
7:10- Finally stop cheering and listen to show.
7:11-8:41- Laugh continuously.
8:42- Sneak out of seat during standing ovation.
8:45- Have friend distract security while I calmly, yet sneakily, approach Amy.
8:46- Convince Amy that I am not a stalker, but still stress her importance in my life.
8:52- Become best friends with Amy Schumer.
9:08- Go to Greene Turtle with Amy for a drink or 14.
9:56- Accept her offer to go on tour with her.
9:57- Live happily ever after.
This is, of course, best case scenario. Hope to see everyone at the show! I’ll be the one hysterically crying.